August 19, 2009

Walking through the local mall the other day, it was hard to justify the autumn colors and wooly sweaters in the storefronts when the temperature outside is still nearing triple digits.

But the balmy climate wasn’t the only contradiction. The passing of time becomes tangible when the seasons change, but most especially after a summer spent mainly thinking about the past.

As the days get shorter and the neighborhood kids start back to school, life seems to be moving forward in a trajectory that conflicts with this urgent need I’ve had lately to hold onto the past.  Right now, the loss still only feels like there’s something missing, rather than gone.

Mom’s birthday is this week, although her tradition was to dedicate the entire month of August to its celebration. Walking through the mall, it’s always hard to walk past her favorite stores without getting a little worked up, and this month those feelings hit a little harder.

The “time heals all wounds” cliché seems even less applicable than that “grief cycle” did for me. Time seems only to reveal new voids that were once filled by my mom.  I had readied myself for the loss of my mom – I hadn’t anticipated that I would be missing a friend at the same time. I wish I’d had the foresight to understand that.


One Response to “Fall”

  1. Judy Espiau Says:

    How beautifully you wrote some of the same feelings I have had, especially of days passing and the seasons changing when it seems like with the absence of someone so dear that nothing should go on seeemingly so unchanged. At other times Chole seems so close to me especially in the times I am meditating. Perhaps that is when I become quiet enough to hear her voice and feel her presence in this new way. Love Judy

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